Who did Billy Mays play for?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
