Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
