you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
