they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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