I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
