So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
