her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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