I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
