Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize