i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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