if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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