I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
