The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
