the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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