i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
