Small penises have feelings too.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
