and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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