I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
