Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
