My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
