I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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