watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
