Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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