im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
