im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
