i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
