but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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