Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
