i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
whose parrot is this?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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