Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
COCAINE IS GR8
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
