70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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