when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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