Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
i've created a new STD.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
