Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
