i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
