Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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