don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
