I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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