It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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