Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
