He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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