if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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