Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
We smell like vodka and hangover
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