I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
