i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I will be naked everywhere
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
