She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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