okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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