Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
