I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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