i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
