The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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