maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
