I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
