my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
