plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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