youre lurking in front of me
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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