What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
