Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
